Coat ofArms

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Joke of the Day - Thursday 10 Apr 2014


 



While 'flying' down the road yesterday, 10 miles over the speed limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?", he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge . . . "


Monday, 31 March 2014

Rest In Peace Ricki


It is with a very sad heart that I must write farewell to a dear friend Ricki Wüst that we lost March 31 in a skydiving accident in Switzerland, your husband Paul is in our hearts and prayers Ricki, Blue Skies forever, you will be our guardian Angel, Rest In Peace Ricki

Link to their Wedding on this BLOG
Ricki Bobby and Paul Wüst Wedding

I heard this song from a couple of Vancouver Twins who are songwriters and they wrote this which I thought was appropriate for Ricki, enjoy the music and lyrics.  Blue Skies.

  Dani and Lizzy Website

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Joke of the Day - Sunday 09 Mar 2014

The Bagpiper
 

Time is like a river.  You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I  was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless  man.  He  had no family or friends, so the service was  to be at a paupers  cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. 

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
 man, I didn't stop for directions. 

 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere insight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were  eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men
 for being late. 

 I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was 
already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
 The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and  soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played  like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 

 And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began  to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
 

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
  seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for  twenty years." 
  Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Joke of the Day - Wednesday 12 Feb 2014

Joke of the Day - Wednesday 12 Feb 2014


 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone rings , on a bench , and a man takes it and answers on the
hands-free speaker and begins to speak. All persons in the
room  Stop and Listen .

Man: " Hello ! "

Woman: " Hi , Darling Are you at the club. ? "

Man: " Yes. "

Woman: "I'm at the store and I found a beautiful leather coat it’s
only $2 000.00 Can I buy  it? "

Man: " Sure, buy it if you like it. "

The Woman: " I also stopped at Lexus Dealership and I found a new model that I love. "

Man: "At what price ? "

Woman: $90,000 "

Man: " At this price, I want it with all the options. "

Woman: That’s great , Oh, I have something else to ask you.   I was
just talking to Janie and I found the house I wanted last year
is back on the market . They are asking $980,000

Man: " Well, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000 They will probably accept it
Otherwise, we will offer $80, 000.00 more, if that's what you really want. "

Woman: "OK , I 'll see you later, I love you very much. "

Man: " Bye I love you too! "

The man hangs up the phone. The other men in the room were staring at him with
Their mouth wide open  without saying anything. Then the man looks and says

"Does anyone know who owns this cell ? "

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Joke of the Day - Sunday 05 Jan 2014


 
My Wife always wanted a ride-on lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.



SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
  I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

I even put a light on it so she could work at night. See photo below.


To this day I have never been able to understandwhy some women are so hard to please .
P.S. I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week.